"Mixed Emotions"

This past few days, i was struck with whirlwinds of emotions. Last week i was happy being single, contented just by reading 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye" but after work i started to felt wasted and tired. I was drained physically and emotionally i always invested too much energy and efforts to work, thanks! God I'm still in tough shaped.

Before i was not affected with national issues that much, but as i grow and mature I'm able to digest my part in this society, even as a normal individual. I was stressed when i saw the news of the three "INRC" captives by Abu Sayaf whom they planned to cut their head-off if the government didn't give in to their demands. As a member of the health team it pains me to know that these terrorist doesn't show mercy to think that their captives are known for helping victims of war, and so on and so forth. On a lighter note, i was happy to hear that their plans are not executed and the INRC members are still safe & sound.

Another issues that bothers me was that Hongkong National a columnist who commented on a magazine that our native country is a nation of servants. That was quite pathetic and out of line. I acknowledge the fact that many workers outside the country are domestic helpers but i didn't see wrong with it. I as a Filipino was deeply hurt by that statement, it leaves a scar in the heart. I think those narrowed minded people should immerse here in the country for them to realized and recognized the hidden talents and magnificent skills we possessed, Filipinos are great hospitable and culture oriented people. I think we're one of the kindest people in the world.

I hope i sounded lucid... I am so damn tired and needed a break!!!

Ainan

"Life Goes On"

Some people say when it rains it pours, its true in so many facets of life. There are times when you've experienced happiness you thought that wouldn't end and vice-versa. And when you experienced tide in your life you would wish it would end but it continuously clouding your life and losing all the thread of hope you had. I never tell myself I'm a strong person instead i always tell myself that I'm not alone in this battle that someone is fighting with me.

Being a nurse, i saw many people who draw their strenght and fate above. I saw many tears flowing from people whose hopes diminished and almost gave-up on their battle. I never understood them, they say we need "empathy" not sympathy. As a growing up individual i won so many battles, flopped many times but i struggled to stand up again. But the more successful you were on that battle a much difficult one will arise.

I read this quote on a book " God's in His heaven so all's right in the world", at first i was skeptical and i felt ambiguous because i couldn't digest the meaning of the verse. Until i experienced something that almost put me to tears, have you ever experienced something that when you woke up everything seems to be wrong, and at the end of the day all you've done was a mess. You always committed mistakes you couldn't afford. That situation was awful, i felt trapped, abandoned, irrelevant. Until i realized something, that i was forgetting something and someone who has been my companion since time immemorial. I went back to his place and talked to Him about my complains, about my predicaments, and guess what?! He listened, all of a sudden everything went OK!

I think that's what you call "Divine Intervention". There's a rainbow after the rain, and Life goes on and on..

Ainan :)

My PundaQuit And Anawangin Escapade

At the first week of February, luckily i had a double-off break from duty. My very good friend and Co-staff Ma'am Anj texted me if i wanted to joined them to Cabanatuan. So immediately i accepted the invitation because i don't have anything to do. On the day itself i found out that the plan was changed and we're about to go to subic instead, then i remembered that subic was near to Zambales that's why i suggested we went to Pundaquit at San Antonio, Zambales. I have been there last 2006 and i enjoyed the almost white sand and the crystal clear water, and of course the much cheaper rate than other beaches around the archipelago.

We travel at around lunch time and because Ma'am Anj & Jem we're from night duty they fell asleep the whole three-hour ride. Its' only four of us came Anin, Anj, Jemely and a very dear friend of Jem's named Chris. When we arrived at San Antonio we bought the food we needed for two days, luckily they had a mini market place that has almost everything you needed. We rented a cottage suits for eight people and we got it for a nice price, mind you i spent 900+ for the whole adventure including the transportation.

The first thing we did was cooked the food for the evening, i cooked the rice and helped Mare Anj grilled the tilapia, we ate it with salty eggs, fresh mangoes with tomatoes and bagoong alamang. It was so festive. When we went swam at around 5:00 in the afternoon the sunset was perfect and its time for the picture taking... The water was so refreshing and i heard some famous celebrities went here for surfing and Jericho Rosales was one of them.

After dinner we conducted the drinking session together with the sing-along mode of videoke. We talked about everything, love, boys, problems we had shared everything and consumed a whole case of redhorse. The singing session was great Chris is a good singer and we're all have fun till 2 Am.

The next day a nice friend of Chris came during breakfast, Ate Mel brought some boiled-corns that was so delicious. The caretaker asked if we wanted to go to "Anawangin" and we decided to go. We rented a boat and enjoyed the boat ride, it was a feast in the eyes to see all the islands and the serene water, we didn't know what Anawangin is going to bring us. When we arrived at the place i was tongue-tied the beach is so beatiful, it's secluded and you consider a virgin island. It has Pine trees like Baguo, it has white-powdered sand like Boracay and a crystal-clear water. I

felt so at peace on the place, there were foreigners at the place. We had a blast at Anawangin.

Back to Pundaquit, we went Mountain Climbing at a near mountain. The summit was superb. it was tiring but nice experienced. The two days was not enough for all the things you can do at Pundaquit, Ate Mel kindly brought us a ride to the terminal unluckily the next trip was at around 11:00, so she decided that we went sight seeing inside Subic Bay Metropolitan Zone, we visited the fort that houses the US Naval Ship and stroll along Subic Bay. Much to our surprised she brought us to Pier 1 and paid us a dinner. So kind and sweet of her. We dance all night and groove along with the Pier 1 band. I even caught a 6 Feet tall guy along with a foreigner, he seemingly look like Hua Zi Lei of F4, his maybe a high-class call boy but i loved how he played billiards and i like his side glances, i remembered when the band sang "Bakit ngayon Ka Lang" we stared at each other and simultaneously uttered the words. It was so sweet... I really had a good time and promise that when my honeymoon arrives I'll surely go back to Zambales..

Ainan :)

"WHY DO PEOPLE TEND TO BE AESTHETICS?"

I admit i am one of those shallow people who value the outside appearance than the inside. But that was before when I'm still immature. But right now i know that the inside matters the most. Maybe, you'll raised an eyebrow because this is a pure cliche' but i had a better realization today why this planet called 'earth' we're living is quite unfair.

I had always told everyone that my defenses towards love and emotional attachment was intact, i was correct a few months ago, but today if you'd ask me?! I'm a totally vulnerable individual. i know myself better now, and i examined every emotional signs or changes I'm manifesting whether I'm in love, down, torn or broken. And these past few days was not new for me. Cold lonely nights attacking me right now, though literally the weather is cold due to post Christmas blues. I read on a book and some people advised me that have enough positivity and optimism inside, be complete and happy inside because it attracts more than a beautiful aesthetic outside. That's what i believe in and living since time immemorial but there we're inevitable circumstances that will shatter your dreams apart.

Last week i received an sms message from a very dear friend of mine who haven't got in touch for a year, her name was Mau, she said that she gave my number to a guy named Ervin a cousin of her boyfriend, since i was duty then and told i have to extend an extra eight hours to work, i had a frenzied and frantic mind that Mau message didn't sink in that much. I said "it's OK! go ahead" then in return she gave the guys' number. A few days later i haven't received any messages, so i assumed maybe his not interested, and that night i opened my friendster account and saw a guy named Jan who just visited my account together with some others, i also remembered that i gave Mau my e-mail so that guy can sneak to my account, problem is i have a private profile so he couldn't scrutinize my profile that easily. The following day i texted the guy and replied he was too tipsy that he can't text right that moment and promised to send an sms later, it went for a day and no response, until i sent a quotation and he replied during that time i was online and said i will invite him on FS, so in short he had an access on my account.

We switched plenty of sms and i thought we're OK, until the next day, i haven't heard or received anything from him. I texted him and responded that his doing a laundry right now, what i captured from that message that he was kinda irritated maybe on my message or because i texted him. That afternoon, Mau and I had a chance to talk for a bit and told her my predicaments and prediction that maybe the guy was kinda disappointed, maybe he doesn't like my outward appearance or my being to feminine or gay. But as pride dictates, i told her it's OK that I'm not rushing things up, and as for me i really do deserve a much better person.

Mind you guys, that Ervin was cute, quite a catch but he's too physical. I'm not being bitter or sour-graping but i was kinda disappointed on life. Because, life is so unfair. i had a very balance life, i mean i had a better outlook inside and out, but right now i felt insecure and not secure with myself anymore. I feel unpretty and unwanted. I hate the guy for being so prejudice, hope life gives him a good karma. This is one of the reasons why i don't want to fall in love again, I'm so numb with the pain and my heart was so, so crushed and stomped into pieces. Life is unfair, to people who only wants a simple and happy life, life complicates a simple living and a simple individual like me.

Ainan ;(

The Review ( what has been for me in 2008)

The year 2008 was a tremendous and wonderful year for me and my family, i was successful in my career and lucky all year round. Hopefully this year, like Kristine Hermosa said, this will be our year 2009, we're both born September 9, and i was born on the year of the Ox so i wished all the stars will be by my side. So here is a run down of what had happened to me last year;

• January- i took the clinical exam at TMC and got flopped for the first time in my life, first failed exam since i entered school, so depressing but i took it as a benchmark to strive better.
• February- i was called by Our lady of Mercy (Pulilan) to trained as a staff, I've spent almost two months there and gathered so much knowledge and built new harmonious relationships, i was the first one to be hired but something life changing happened.
• March- SLMC ( St. Luke's Medical Center) texted me that i passed their clinical exam and i'm on my way for the P.E, i left Mercy but had a better choice. I had almost a month relationship with Richard, and i ended the relationship due to self-preservation.
• April- i joined the NSET ( Nurse Staff Effectiveness Training) trainees of SLMC and had training for 3 months and gained 25 new friends.
• June- i graduated the training and at the day of the commencement exercise and yours truly was one of the emcees, something inevitable happened. The Vp-DON walked out because we failed to acknowledge her presence at the start of the program.
• August- i was joined the ISF ( Induction to SLMC Family) and later on took the Customer Service Champion training, during the ISF i was fell for MR. Richard Magsalin my BLS instructor, sadly we lose connection later that year. And at August 21, it was my first UAAP experienced, i watched ADMU vs. UE and it was a thrilling game, i was happy to see Chris Tiu for the first time.
• September- at 4th day of September i was hired to be an associate of SLMC and had been a part of Annex 3 2nd-East, 6 out of 15 who was called for ISF was hired and luckily i was one of them.
• November- i was temporarily relocated to Eye care Unit together with Jarine, we had a wonderful experienced, i gained new friends, Ma'am Charles my favourite (kakulitan) and of course who would forget Jayson Valencia, who hadn't missed a chance to teased me, but had a big part in my heart later that year.
• December- it was my first time to had a duty on Christmas eve, but enjoyed it. i had attended 3 Christmas parties. And lastly, before the year end i celebrated the new year with a broken heart courtesy of Jayson....tsktsk

What a year, it was so fast that i haven't noticed the time. So many things happened. And so many blessings came to thanked for. Hopefully, this year much more blessings, much more friends, and hope to find the "ONE".

Ainan :)

"In Loving Memory of Marky Cielo"

Last Sunday the whole country was shocked and devastated about a text message that circulated that the young actor and Starstruck "Sole Survivor" Marky Cielo was found dead on their Antipolo's abode that morning during the world renowned match of Manny Pacquiao and Oscar Dela Hoya.

That Sunday we we're preparing for our Christmas Party together with my housemates that was held at "Providence" in Vito Cruz near DLSU and adjacent to St. Benilde. We we're watching Showbiz Central and Katrina Halili was interviewed and he sent his condolences to Marky's loved ones. At first it didn't sink it in my mind until Pia guanio did the same, until my housemate received an sms telling the not so good news. Though I'm not a fan i felt the lost for the industry, i heard a lot of good things about the guy, i really admire him for being an advocate of youth, a clean living life without vices. It pains me to know that the country loses a great and humble actor and a beloved son, friend and an admirable icon for his fan.

Some rumors circulated that the guy committed suicide but the autopsy shows if I'm not mistaken that he died from SUNDs (Sudden Unexpected Nocturnal Death) or medically speaking

"Acute Hemorrhagic Pancreatitis" the same reason of Rico Yan's death.

So many young precious celebrities died, but they still remembered, the like i mention, Rico Yan, Julie Vega and many more, i also remembers Selena the Mexican singer who brought us the timeless classics like "Dreaming Of You" and "I Could Fall In Love".

I'm sure wherever Marky Cielo is now, he's happy and hopefully peaceful. As for me i will remember this young boy for the superb dancing skills and wonderful vibe and spirit he had.

Ainan :)

"Another Lesson Learned"

After so many Jurassic years i am sharing some thoughts that i am contemplating right now. I was finished reading "The Purpose Driven Life" and on the process reading "Chicken Soup For the Unsinkable Soul" i was into reading again not just for pastime but i really do learned a lot.





I was temporarily relocated to Ophthalmology Unit for about two weeks now, and still adjusting on the new set-up. Thank, God he made me a very flexible person and pliable that i can get along to every people you placed on my path. The last Night duty i had on Annex 3-2nd East was really unforgettable, i had a girl patient aged 26 whom when i was received during endorsement had 80/50 mmHg Blood pressure, i was doing titration on her Dobutamine ( a drug that increases blood pressure and heart rate) to made her stable but at 2 o'clock in the morning she had cardiac arrest so i call for "Code Red" a typical Greys Anatomy scene where the medical team trying to revived the patient. There we're some Doctor's Ambu-bagging, some were doing cardiac compression and some were suctioning, for me being the nurse had very crucial role i was the one handing off equipments, gave them emergency drugs like epinephrine, sodium bicarbonate so on and so forth. If you think I was a Pro during that time, you're wrong because it was my first time and it was kinda confusing, after that arrest the patient became stable but after 30 minutes or so she had an arrest and expired after our tremendous efforts to kept her alive. I learned so much after that, and i was thankful to my co-staff for helping me and guiding me through that chaotic moment, they even shared some of my pending task for the continuity of care. If you're planning to become a nurse those situation will test your critical thinking, speed rate, knowledge. That was quite an experience.





Last November 29, My sister and i had a day out, she accompanied me to Divisoria to bought some gifts for this holiday to all my "inaanak" and nephews and nieces. After the long tiring walk and shopping from different malls and stalls, we went to Trinoma because I had promised her that I will treat her out on a movie because it was her birthday last 25th. When we got there, i was quite fascinated on the long lines of people who were planning to watched Twilight and three cinemas already jam packed. We ended up watching "One True Love" featuring Dingdong Dantes and Marianne Rivera, at first don't account me as "baduy" or "jologs" but patronizing your own isn't a crime right?. I may say the movie was half good half OK, not that great but it has substance and sense.





I learned new thing about love, Marianne was right when she said the line "In love, you don't have to do anything to impress the person or to get his attention, you don't have to kneel or beg for some one's love; you don't have to changed yourself" Be yourself, that's all you can do, he must love you for your nothingness not for he wanted you to be. Love is respect, so he must learned to respect you and not to demand to change you or for you to do everything he wanted.


If the person you love didn't like you for who you are, just go he's not the one our Lord made for you, the person must love you for who the real you in pure black and white





Ainan :)