I admit i am one of those shallow people who value the outside appearance than the inside. But that was before when I'm still immature. But right now i know that the inside matters the most. Maybe, you'll raised an eyebrow because this is a pure cliche' but i had a better realization today why this planet called 'earth' we're living is quite unfair.
I had always told everyone that my defenses towards love and emotional attachment was intact, i was correct a few months ago, but today if you'd ask me?! I'm a totally vulnerable individual. i know myself better now, and i examined every emotional signs or changes I'm manifesting whether I'm in love, down, torn or broken. And these past few days was not new for me. Cold lonely nights attacking me right now, though literally the weather is cold due to post Christmas blues. I read on a book and some people advised me that have enough positivity and optimism inside, be complete and happy inside because it attracts more than a beautiful aesthetic outside. That's what i believe in and living since time immemorial but there we're inevitable circumstances that will shatter your dreams apart.
Last week i received an sms message from a very dear friend of mine who haven't got in touch for a year, her name was Mau, she said that she gave my number to a guy named Ervin a cousin of her boyfriend, since i was duty then and told i have to extend an extra eight hours to work, i had a frenzied and frantic mind that Mau message didn't sink in that much. I said "it's OK! go ahead" then in return she gave the guys' number. A few days later i haven't received any messages, so i assumed maybe his not interested, and that night i opened my friendster account and saw a guy named Jan who just visited my account together with some others, i also remembered that i gave Mau my e-mail so that guy can sneak to my account, problem is i have a private profile so he couldn't scrutinize my profile that easily. The following day i texted the guy and replied he was too tipsy that he can't text right that moment and promised to send an sms later, it went for a day and no response, until i sent a quotation and he replied during that time i was online and said i will invite him on FS, so in short he had an access on my account.
We switched plenty of sms and i thought we're OK, until the next day, i haven't heard or received anything from him. I texted him and responded that his doing a laundry right now, what i captured from that message that he was kinda irritated maybe on my message or because i texted him. That afternoon, Mau and I had a chance to talk for a bit and told her my predicaments and prediction that maybe the guy was kinda disappointed, maybe he doesn't like my outward appearance or my being to feminine or gay. But as pride dictates, i told her it's OK that I'm not rushing things up, and as for me i really do deserve a much better person.
Mind you guys, that Ervin was cute, quite a catch but he's too physical. I'm not being bitter or sour-graping but i was kinda disappointed on life. Because, life is so unfair. i had a very balance life, i mean i had a better outlook inside and out, but right now i felt insecure and not secure with myself anymore. I feel unpretty and unwanted. I hate the guy for being so prejudice, hope life gives him a good karma. This is one of the reasons why i don't want to fall in love again, I'm so numb with the pain and my heart was so, so crushed and stomped into pieces. Life is unfair, to people who only wants a simple and happy life, life complicates a simple living and a simple individual like me.
Ainan ;(
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